Note: This content was originally published as an appendix in my book for Christian married couples, Sex and Self-Forgetfulness (2026, New Growth Press).
God’s design for our marriage unions can be summarized with five mathematical equations:
- Us + God
- One + One
- Me + You
- Man + Woman
- Marriage < Jesus
Us + God
Marriage is not a human invention. It is not, most foundationally, about something that we have created or felt. It is about what God has done.
Generally speaking, God created the institution of marriage. In Genesis 2, God put a man and a woman together in the first marriage union. Adam and Eve did not find each other; God brought them to one another (Genesis 2:22). Genesis 2:24–25 and the rest of the Bible (e.g., Mark 10:6–9; Ephesians 5:31) view this passage (and God’s design as revealed in it) as normative—binding on all marriages throughout time.
God also creates each individual marriage. The Old Testament describes God as a witness to our marriage covenants (Malachi 2:14; Proverbs 2:17). Jesus taught that God joins together spouses when they are married (Matthew 19:6). Marriages are not formed by paperwork, weddings, or even vows—they are formed by God.
Because God is the designer of marriage (and the founder of any specific marriage), he gets to set the agenda and the rules. Feelings aren’t the foundation of marriage, so we don’t determine what’s true by how we feel about it. We need to humbly come before God in faith, trusting that he knows the truth. Additionally, feelings aren’t the foundation of any specific marriage, so when feelings wane it doesn’t give you a pass to leave physically or check out emotionally.
Marriage is Us + God: God himself joins individual couples together, according to the design that he himself instituted at creation.
One + One
God’s design for marriage is one man and one woman becoming one flesh for one lifetime. While the Bible contains many instances of polygamy, only monogamous marriages are held up as normative (Genesis 2:24). This aspect of God’s design for marriage excludes polygamy, which is good news for women. In the days that the Bible was written, the culture of polygamy viewed women as replaceable commodities, rather than as precious image-bearers.
This aspect of God’s design also excludes sexual immorality. Adultery or pornography violate the One + One nature of God’s design by bringing other people in (1 Corinthians 6:16) or allowing one person to enjoy the sexual benefits of marriage without giving the safety of a marriage covenant to a partner. Masturbation and the use of sex technology such as vibrators or AI sexting bots violate the One + One nature of God’s design by excluding one spouse for the sole pleasure of the other.
This aspect of God’s design also excludes demeaning either gender or declaring that one gender is superior to the other. Both partners are equal in marriage, and neither exists for the pleasure of the other.
Marriage is One + One: God joins two people together in a lifelong union.
Me + You
Marriage is not just any two people that are in the same space. Marriage includes a basic commitment in the context of a marriage covenant between two specific people. Marriage requires consent. People have to actually want to be married in an exclusive commitment. Open marriages violate God’s design.
A marriage covenant assures that a marriage is based on more than feelings; it includes a commitment to one another. The man and the woman do not merely live together, they “bond” together (Genesis 2:24; see ESV, “hold fast”). As stressed repeatedly in this book, this creates safety in marriage. The newly-united spouses have formed a new family; they are bound together and cannot be cast aside. This creates safety in marriage, so that spouses can be naked and unashamed (Genesis 2:25). Accordingly, abandonment and abuse, which rob partners of this safety, are gross violations of God’s design. Additionally, cohabitation, where both partners attempt to enjoy the benefits of marriage outside of the safety of God’s design, also violates God’s design.
No-fault divorce is a violation of the Me + You nature of marriage. Marriage is meant to last for a lifetime (though not forever, Matthew 22:30) and is not to be jettisoned. The Bible does allow for divorce under certain circumstances, including adultery (Matthew 5:32) and desertion, which includes abuse (1 Corinthians 7:15). Spouses who are biblically divorced or widowed (Romans 7:2–3; 1 Corinthians 7:39–40) are free to remarry.
The Me + You nature of marriage also means no other relationship can take away the primacy of marriage. As Genesis 2:24 puts it, “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.” Relationships with your parents, friends, or others do not compete with the primacy of marriage.
Marriage is Me + You: God joins two specific people together in a marriage covenant that is safe and exclusive.
Man + Woman
Men and women are equal in marriage in the sense that you cannot have a marriage without both of them. As with monogamy, this is the clear norm of Scripture (e.g., Genesis 2:24–25).
This aspect of God’s design for marriage excludes same-sex intercourse, which the Bible addresses in six places:
- Genesis 19, where wicked men in Sodom and Gomorrah attempt to gang-rape a group of angels they thought were special men. The rest of the Bible makes clear that Sodom’s homosexuality was sinful (e.g., Jude 7), but Sodom was condemned for many sins, especially their selfishness and refusal to care for the poor (Ezekiel 16:49–50).
- Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, which makes clear that same-sex intercourse is “detestable,” and in Old Testament Israel, any who partook in it had to be put to death. These commands come with no qualifications, making it clear that they are not just against same-sex excesses (e.g., rape, abuse, cultic prostitution), but any act of same-sex intercourse. Contextually, these prohibitions come as part of the Holiness Code, a section of Leviticus devoted to the unique purity of God’s people (Leviticus 18–20). These laws are part of God’s specific covenant with Israel and are not universally binding laws.
- Romans 1:26–27 condemns both men and women who are engaged in same-sex intercourse because such an act is “unnatural.” Same-sex intercourse is sinful because it is a departure from God’s design, not because it is a departure from any cultural norm. LGBTQ-affirming scholars and influencers frequently claim that these condemnations refer to same-sex excesses (such as rape, lust, and pederasty) but have no relevance for committed, monogamous, same-sex marriages today. This interpretation is problematic for a few reasons.
- 1. Committed same-sex relationships were not unknown in the first-century Roman Empire, so Paul could have had that kind of relationship in mind when he wrote this. The traditional interpretation is therefore not impossible.
- 2. Women are included in Paul’s condemnation. As far as history can tell us, female same-sex relationships were generally consensual, mutual, and committed.
- 3. The mention of men doesn’t come with any conditions or qualifications. The act of same-sex intercourse is wholesale condemned.
- 4. As has already been mentioned, this intercourse is described as “unnatural,” in other words, a departure from nature, from God’s design for marriage between a man and a woman at creation (Genesis 2:24–25).
- 1 Corinthians 6:9–10 includes both partners in same-sex intercourse in a list of people who will “not inherit God’s kingdom.” This teaching was countercultural in the Roman society of Corinth, where it was considered super manly to dominate a young man or boy as the active partner (a practice called “pederasty”), but emasculating to be the passive partner. This list also includes “sexually immoral people,” leaving pornography users just as condemned as those who participate in same-sex intercourse.
- 1 Timothy 1:9–11, like 1 Corinthians 6, includes “males who have sex with males” in a list of people who are “lawless and rebellious.”
We can draw a number of conclusions from this very brief survey of the Bible’s teaching on homosexuality:
- Same-sex intercourse is very clearly sinful. There is no way around the Bible’s condemnation of this act.
- Christian teaching on homosexuality has almost always been countercultural. Whether condemning pederasty in the Roman Empire or gay marriage today, God’s design has always been unpopular. The Bible is not an artifact of a “heteronormative society” that we have now progressed beyond.
- Every reference to same-sex intercourse is included in a list of other sins. Romans 1, for example, comes in the context of Paul’s explanation that all kinds of people are sinful. He summarizes his argument in Romans 3:9, “What then? Are we any better off? Not at all! For we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin.”
People in the LGBTQ+ community are sinful . . . just like you! If you have never experienced same-sex attraction, your heterosexuality doesn’t make you less lost than those who have. - Every New Testament reference to same-sex intercourse comes with a clear assurance that all kinds of people can be forgiven. No matter who you are or what you’ve done, God’s mercy is abundant. For example, 1 Corinthians 6:11, “And some of you used to be like this. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” These passages don’t just point out the sinfulness of our sin and move on; they offer hope and healing. To weaponize these passages against people in the LGBTQ+ community without offering the hope of God’s mercy is to take them out of context.
The Man + Woman nature of marriage also points to God’s design for complementary gender roles in marriage.
In marriage, wives submit to their husband’s self-sacrificial leadership (Ephesians 5:22–24; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1–6). This does not mean that women must follow their husbands into sin or that wives are barred from sharing opinions and feedback, but rather that they must do so from a respectful posture (1 Peter 3:1–2).
In marriage, husbands are called to lead their wives as sacrificial shepherds, not domineering kings. Interestingly, while women are called to submit to their husbands, the command for husbands to lead is only stated implicitly. The explicit teaching of Scripture focuses much more on a husband’s self-forgetful, sacrificial care for his wife. With Christ as our model (Ephesians 5:25–30), husbands are to cherish and care for their wives.
These roles do not mean that either spouse is inferior to the other. Both share the image of God, and are commanded to submit to one another “in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). These roles are complementary, meaning that we complement one another as we walk in them. These are unique roles that God has instituted for marriages, not gender roles for all of society. See, for example, 1 Peter 3:1, where wives are instructed, “submit yourselves to your own husbands” (emphasis added).
As we walk in God’s design, our marriage will reflect the glory of Jesus’s mercy to our children, a watching world, and to our spouse: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31–32).
Marriage is Man + Woman: God joins men and women in marriage only; any variation is a violation of this design.
Marriage < Jesus
Ultimately, the most important thing about marriage is what it represents. Marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ and the church. As a man and a woman commit to love one another faithfully while walking in their unique roles, they paint a picture of the steadfast love of God for his people.
Once again, when Paul taught about marriage in Ephesians 5:22–33, he summarized his teaching this way: “This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church” (v. 32). Paul did not merely look for an illustration of God’s love and decide that marriage was a good enough fit. He’s actually saying that from the very beginning of time, marriage was engineered by God to give a picture of Christ’s love for the church. This wasn’t an afterthought or happy accident of God’s design for marriage.
Marriage is a shadow revealing Christ. This is why marriage will not last forever (Matthew 22:30). We will ultimately be joined forever to a Bridegroom who will never disappoint us or let us go. We get a preview of that final wedding in Revelation 19:7–9:
Let us be glad, rejoice, and give him glory,
because the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has prepared herself.
She was given fine linen to wear, bright and pure.
For the fine linen represents the righteous acts of the saints.
Then he said to me, “Write: Blessed are those invited
to the marriage feast of the Lamb!” He also said to me,
“These words of God are true.”
Christ is the most important reality to any marriage. Within our marriage, we should seek to reflect his character to the watching world, but most importantly to our spouses.
Marriage is less than Jesus: God created marriage as a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church.